Party City: Midgar
by Morrigan the Nightmare Queen
Summary: Once a karaoke fic, now a series. Episode two, the long-awaited Halloween party, is here! Warning: gratuitous sarcasm and no plot to speak of.
1. Sour Note to Self

**_[Sour] Note to Self_**

"Table reserved for twelve- AVALANCHE party?"

"Oh, right." The heavily made-up woman at the bar nodded and pointed to a couple of large, secluded booths on the far right of the dance floor, with a good view of the stage. "Right over there, Mr.-?"

"Strife. Cloud Strife." 

Surprisingly, it had been Tifa's idea- to celebrate both the dual resurrection of Aeris and Sephiroth (thanks to a couple of mysterious artifacts called 'Dragonballs'- long story there) and the three-year anniversary of Meteor by spending a night at the Sour Note karaoke bar. Yes, karaoke bar, as in "a place with a large stage and enough alcohol to make you get up and be stupid on said stage." Tifa had thought it would be "fun." So did Aeris and Yuffie. Although Cloud was going to bring Ultima Weapon as a guard against anyone making_ him_ sing, he did relish the thought of watching Sephiroth get utterly smashed. Maybe if they poured enough intoxicants down his throat, the former general would agree to try a song . . . and that mane of spiky blond hair was a perfect hiding place for Cloud's camcorder. It would truly be a night to remember.

Cloud and Tifa, as the official hosts of the party, had showed up at the Sour Note at promptly 7:10 PM. Five minutes later, Barret, Marlene, Cid, Shera, and Red XIII appeared, followed closely at 7:19 by Aeris and Sephiroth, the former practically dragging the latter. Cait Sith arrived at promptly 7:22, and the last arrivals- a grumpy-looking Vincent and a certain hyper ninja- made their entrance at 7:25. Beautiful. Open-mike had started at 7:00, and plenty of people were already completely drunk. Cloud hoped his friends would soon succumb to the lure of alcohol; if he had to listen to ONE MORE off-kilter rendition of "Baby Got Back," he would persuade his lovely brunette martial-artist girlfriend to punch the offender where the sun didn't shine. 

7:35 PM . . . 

"Prognosis?" Cloud whispered to Tifa.

"I think Shera's going to be first- Shera or Red, actually. Shera can't hold her alcohol, and Yuffie's been feeding Red martinis under the table."

"Red? You're kidding me."

"I kid you not. Bet you 20 gil Red sings first."

"You're on."

7:38 PM

"'m gunna go shing," Red slurred, shakily rising from the table. "Looks int'restin'."

Tifa tapped Cloud's shoulder. "Pay up."

Cloud paid her. "Dammit!"

Eleven pairs of eyes turned towards the stage as Red clambered up. The host attempted to hand him the microphone, then realized that Red didn't exactly have any hands, so he put it on top of one of the speakers instead. Red staggered up to the mike and grinned mightily, displaying his impressive canines. "Hey, y'all," he said happily, squinting at the apprehensive audience, "M'namesh Nan- Nunna- Nick- Red Firteen, an' I'd like t'dedicate thish shong t'four bashtards who made m'life reeeeeeeeeally loushy for a while. Tsheng, Reno, Rude, Elena- if y're here- I hate yer guttsssshh!"

AVALANCHE stared at each other. "He's singing about the Turks?" Yuffie wondered. "But there's no songs about them!"

"He's going to ad-lib," Vincent said grimly. "Take cover, everyone."

Red took a deep breath as the host punched 'start.' Everything was quiet for one deadly second. Then, suddenly, the Son of Seto jumped ten feet straight up in the air and screamed:

Red:

WHO LET THE TURKS GO?!

(Woof, woof, woof woof!}

(Woof, woof, woof woof!}

(Woof, woof, woof woof!}

(Woof, woof, woof woof!}

Chorus: 

Who let the Turks go? (Woof, woof, woof woof!)

Who let the Turks go? (Woof, woof, woof woof!)

"Oh Holy . . ." moaned Vincent. The dark man had slid down in his chair and seemed intent on disappearing into the floor. Sensing an imminent escape, Yuffie reached down and grabbed his black ponytail. Hard. Vincent made a noise like a mouse that's been hit by the Complete Webster's Unabridged Dictionary and reluctantly straightened up again, but he still refused to look at the stage. Sephiroth, meanwhile, was laughing his ass off, Cloud was taping the event for posterity (or possibly blackmail), Tifa was staring, Aeris was praying that Red wouldn't fall off the stage, Cait was bouncing enthusiastically to the music, and everyone else was in pure shock.

Red:

When the party was out, the party was movin' (Hey, yippie yi yo!)

Everybody was watching for monsters, all (Hey, yippie yi yo!)

I tell the others, "Watch the Turks comin'!" (Hey, yippie yi yo!)

And the others, they hear the call

The poor dumb slobs come (Hey, yippie yi yo!)

Chorus: 

Who let the Turks go? (Woof, woof, woof woof!)

Who let the Turks go? (Woof, woof, woof woof!)

Who let the Turks go? (Woof, woof, woof woof!)

Who let the Turks go? (Woof, woof, woof woof!)

Rap #1:

I see the little blonde chick head up the rocks

She really want to screw Tseng

Get back blondie, head off blondie,

Get back you stupid little brat!

"This is not happening." Barret said finally as he watched Red prance around on-stage. 

Instrumental Chorus:

{Woof, woof, woof woof}

{Woof, woof, woof woof}

{Woof, woof, woof woof}

{Woof, woof, woof woof}

Verse: 

I'm gonna fight (Hey, yippie yi yo!)

'Gainst any freak wielding a nightstick (Hey, yippie yi yo!)

To that Reno: "Hey man, you're wetting your trousers!" (Hey, yippie yi yo!)

You fetch a spell on his ass and show he's a prick (Hey, yippie yi yo!)

His ass runs out now

Chorus: 

Who let the Turks go? (Woof, woof, woof woof!)

Who let the Turks go? (Woof, woof, woof woof!)

Who let the Turks go? (Woof, woof, woof woof!)

Who let the Turks go? (Woof, woof, woof woof!)

Chant (some of AVALANCHE joins in too- they know what he's going to say):

Say, a planet is nuttin' if it don't have baddies 

All a planet hold bad, all planet hold it

Say, a planet is nuttin' if it don't have baddies 

All a planet hold bad, all planet hold it

Rap #2:

Wait for y'all my pals, the battle is on

I gotta get my Limit got my mind set on

Do you see the rays comin' from my mouth

Watch Rude fleeing south

That Reno man that's weighin' them down?

Me and my sharp gold combs

And I can't cast easy, any other will do

I'm figurin' that's why they call me Thirteen

'Cause I'm a deadweight on them

But the Turks are much worse, ah-ooooooo! (Howl) 

Chorus:

Who let the Turks go? (Woof, woof, woof woof!)

Who let the Turks go? (Woof, woof, woof woof!)

Who let the Turks go? (Woof, woof, woof woof!)

Who let the Turks go? (Woof, woof, woof woof!)

Halfway across the bar . . .

"I object!" Elena said indignantly. "Lies! Slander! Red was a MUCH worse fighter than any of us ever was!"

Tseng placed one hand on the enraged blond's shoulder. "Calm down, Elena," he said soothingly. "We're not part of the Turks anymore, remember? We don't have to uphold professional dignity anymore. Besides-" he winked at her, a strange gesture coming from the formerly stoic Turk leader "- Reno's about to make a fool of himself, and then we'll all have a good laugh at his expense."

Back at the AVALANCHE table . . .

"RENO?!" Eleven voices exclaimed as a flame-haired man somehow managed to get up the stage. Having finished his song, the now-unconscious Red had been taken away by a professional veterinarian, and now the rest of AVALANCHE was witnessing a sloshed Reno about to sing karaoke. This was too good to be true.

"A li'l treat for all you ladies out there," Reno slurred into the microphone. A steady drumbeat began in the background, and everyone in the bar who was under twenty suddenly developed huge sweatdrops. "Nooooo . . . " Aeris groaned, clutching the edge of the tabletop. "Not that!"

Yes, that. Reno grabbed the microphone, leaned over and winked suggestively at every woman present, then began to sing in what was meant to be a seductive tone. Unfortunately, being Reno, he was inclined to get confused sometimes . . . 

Reno:

I'm too sexy for my love

Too sexy for my love

Love's going to leave me!

Vincent turned, if possible, even whiter and hid his eyes. Barret covered Marlene's face with his good hand and frantically began to hum under his breath, trying to shut out the terrifying music . . . but it wouldn't stop! Wouldn't stop! The AGONYYYYYY . . . !

I'm too sexy for the Turks

Too sexy for the Turks

So sexy it hurts . . .

(And) I'm too sexy for Midgar

Too sexy for Midgar

Too sexy by far!

I'm too sexy for the Shinra

Too sexy for the Shinra

No way I'm training recruits!

I'm the Lightning, ya know what I mean?

And I do my little schtick in the battle

Yeah in the battle

In the battle yeah

I do my little schtick in the battle!

"The hell you say," Tseng muttered dryly. "You know, there's a _reason _he's always the first to run." Elena choked on her drink.

I'm too sexy for my job

Too sexy for my job

Or even the mob

(And) I'm too sexy for my suit

Too sexy for my suit

What, ya think I'm a fruit?!

"YES!" AVALANCHE yelled.

I'm the Lightning, ya know what I mean?

And I do my little schtick in the battle

Yeah in the battle

In the battle yeah

I pose my sexy bod in the battle!

Too sexy for my- (grunt)

Too sexy for my- (grunt)

Too sexy for my- 

"Native language?" Rude suggested.

I'm the Lightning, ya know what I mean?

And I do my little schtick in the battle

Yeah in the battle

In the battle yeah

I pose my sexy bod in the battle!

Elena rolled her eyes. "When you get one, give me a call," she muttered. 

I'm too sexy for my 'stick

Too sexy for my 'stick

"Must . . . resist . . . urge . . . to . . . make . . . joke . . . " 

Yuffie?

No.

Vincent.

Poor weapon

Poor glowy nightstick

And I'm too sexy for my buds

Too sexy for my buds

Pals going to leave me!

And I'm too sexy for this song!

"THANK YOU HOLY!" Yuffie, Aeris, and Tifa all screamed. Reno took a bow, oblivious of the roars of hilarity that his recital had prompted. "An' now . . . " he announced dramatically, "I intend t' turn th'mike over to . . . Shera Spielen! Sherry, c'mere!" And with that, he fell off the stage in a dead faint.

"NO &$#^%#^$*%^%#&ing WAY you are getting up on that stage, Shera!" Cid yelled, pounding the butt of the Venus Gospel on the ground. "Dammit, I FORBID it! Do you hear me?"

"Oh, dry up, Cid!" Shera snapped, more than a little tipsy herself. "I'm not exactly blind, stinking drunk like those last two- I think I can handle myself!" She got to her feet, and wobbled slightly. "Now, would you please just steady the floor . . . ?"

Despite wearing two-inch heels, Shera got to the stage without any serious mishap. One she had made her selection, she turned to the assembled patrons. "Ladies and gentlemen," she said calmly, "Thank you for your time and patience. I would like to dedicate this song to someone very special in my life- the one man who has managed to keep me interested for more than ten years, despite the fact that he appears to have less of a sex-drive than your average jelly doughnut. I hope he gets the message after this." Suddenly, Cid felt a disturbance in the Guy Force. Some premonition- some primal male instinct telling him of the horrors about to transpire- "No! SHERA!" he screeched, but it was far too late. A quick flurry of low electronic notes had begun on the speakers, and a feral smile grew on Shera's face as she seized the mike with a vengeance.

Shera:

I feel like I've been locked up tight

For a century of lonely nights

Waiting for someone

To release me . . . 

"Woohoo!" Cloud slapped Cid hard enough on the back to knock him into the table. "SCORE, man! She wants your chainsmokin' ass!"

Cid didn't reply. He was staring in numb shock as Shera- nice, sweet, conservative Shera- shucked her lab coat and glasses. Her long brown hair fell down out of its customary bun, and suddenly, Captain HIghwind realized that he had been living with an incredibly hot woman for the past ten years . . . and he hadn't done a thing about it! Then all coherent thought vanished as the engineer began to dance, a slow and smooth sort of motion, gyrating her hips suggestively. Cid's mouth dropped open, and a thin trail of drool appeared. Barret had covered Marlene's eyes again, and was beginning to regret agreeing to this whole trip . . . 

Shera:

You're licking your lips and blowing kisses my way,

But that don't mean I'm gonna give it away

Baby, baby, baby . . . 

_Dammit!_ Cid mentally cursed. _She's making me horny as hell, and then she up and plays the Reluctant Virgin schtick again?! &%^#%#Y$@^$@^%@#^%#&*$&@$^^&#@^%@$%^@$&*$@#!!!!!_

Shera:

Oh whoa . . . (licks her lips suggestively) 

My body's saying, let's go

Oh whoa . . . 

But my heart is saying no . . . 

_No! FORGET the damn heart! It's only there to help you breathe anyway! Shera! LISTEN TO ME, DAMMIT!_

Shera:

If you wanna be with me, baby, there's a price to pay

_Name it! NAME IT!_

I'm a genie in a bottle, you gotta rub me the right way

If you wanna be with me, I can make your wish come true

You gotta make a big impression, I gotta like what you do . . .

"Cid, you're looking bug-eyed," Vincent commented calmly. Being dead, he was completely unfazed by the spectacle on-stage, never mind male hormones dammit! Alright, alright, she WAS hot, but that was no reason to stare at a lady like that. The song was disgraceful, and nothing in the world would make the determined vampire drag his eyes back to that stage, not even- WHOA!

Shera was slipping off her shirt.

To the management's vast relief, she was wearing a bikini top underneath it; but unfortunately, at least for Cid's sanity, the tissue-thin white fabric did absolutely nothing to hide her rather sizeable assets. Vincent blinked, turned as crimson as his eyes, and immediately ducked under the table.

I'm a genie in a bottle, baby

Gotta rub me the right way, honey

I'm a genie in a bottle, baby

Come, come, come and let me out!

The innuendo she put in that line completely floored every man in the bar, and not just the embarrassed Valentine. Only Cid remained vertical: clutching the Venus Gospel for support, cigarette exinguished and forgotten in a sizeable puddle of drool on the floor.

The music's playing and the light's down low

One more dance and then we're good to go

Waiting for someone

Who needs me

Hormones racing at the speed of light

But that don't mean it's gotta be tonight

Baby, baby, baby . . . 

_Speed of light, hell! Come on, Shera, finish the goddamn song, I can't take much more of this!_

Oh whoa . . . 

My body's saying, let's go 

Oh whoa . . .

But my heart is saying no . . . 

If you wanna be with me, baby, there's a price to pay

I'm a genie in a bottle, you gotta rub me the right way

If you wanna be with me, I can make your wish come true

Come and set me free, baby, and I'll be with you . . . 

I'm a genie in a bottle, baby

Gotta rub me the right way, honey

I'm a genie in a bottle, baby

Come, come, come and let me out!

_One more minute . . . one more *$#^%*#^$@&^%@^%#% minute and I swear I'll demote her for this crap . . . right after I &$#^ the living daylights outta her, that is._

Oh whoa . . . 

My body's saying, let's go

Oh whoa . . .

But my heart is saying no . . . 

If you wanna be with me, baby, there's a price to pay

I'm a genie in a bottle, you gotta rub me the right way

If you wanna be with me, I can make your wish come true

You gotta make a big impression, I gotta like what you do . . . 

If you wanna be with me, baby, there's a price to pay

I'm a genie in a bottle, you gotta rub me the right way

If you wanna be with me, I can make your wish come true

Come and set me free, baby, and I'll be with you!

I'm a genie in a bottle, baby

Come, come, come and let me out!

Shera finished her song with a sultry smile as she leaned forward and blew the stunned onlookers a kiss.

They barely had time to applaud before Cid dragged her out the door.

"My turn." Vincent said as he climbed to his feet.

Cue eight anime-crashes.

"You're kidding me," Sephiroth said finally, staring at Vincent. "You're gotta be fucking kidding me."

"Not in the slightest." Vincent said calmly. "Due to the large amount of pure vodka Yuffie continually insists in lacing my drink with, I am currently in an advanced state of intoxication and consequentially will be acting in an unbridled and exceedingly imprudent manner. Feel yourselves free to express amusement." With that, he turned and walked to the stage.

Yuffie blinked. "But . . . he was supposed to . . . that amount would've knocked out an elephant!"

"No it wouldn't." Tifa raised one eyebrow, a mystery of the evening finally making itself clear. "How many bottles did you use up?"

"Um . . . ten."

"Yet Vincent's only had three drinks so far this evening, right? Bit of a discrepancy there." With that, Tifa lifted the tablecloth, revealing a large pile of empty Stolichnaya bottles. "I'd been wondering how Red managed to get smashed on only two martinis."

_"THAT THIEVING MONGREL!"_ Yuffie shrieked. _"HE'S BEEN RAIDING MY STASH!"_

"Quiet!" Cloud hissed. "Vincent's about to sing!" _And it's gonna be a good one,_ he added mentally. Vincent, for some bizarre reason, had allowed Yuffie to pick out his clothing for this particular evening- and the black jeans, black leather jacket, black t-shirt, black leather gauntlets, and black boots combined with long black hair and blood-colored eyes already had women swooning across the bar. Despite the doe-eyed gazes and already-growing numbers of fangirls, the dark vampire appeared calm, relaxed, and slightly devilish of manner. Cloud gulped. Vincent was wearing an evil grin . . . this couldn't be good . . . 

"Folks," Vincent began, "I'd like to sing a song about the Planet's dream. About me; about you. About the way the Planet's energy sustains us all here on the surface. About that special feeling we get, watching Shinra blow sky-high and knowing that half a billion people have just been slaughtered ruthlessly . . . you get the idea."

Now it was Yuffie who paled. "He wouldn't!" she whispered frantically, more to convince herself than anyone else. "Not now . . . not here! I taught him that song! How could he betray me like this?"

The other members of AVALANCHE turned to the ninja. "What do you mean?" Tifa asked finally. "It's just Vincent, right? It's probably going to be some angst-riddled Edwardian ballad, right?"

Yuffie shook her head. "Just watch."

The intro was over; the song had begun. And so had Yuffie's mental breakdown.

Vincent:

I'm not a regular joe with a regular job

Not your average white suburbanite slob

I like weapons and coffins and books about war

I got a mouldering mansion with big holes in the floor!

My gun and my cloak, my claw and my cat

My demons inside, and the Doctor's old lab . . . 

"Hey!" Cloud snapped. "You_ LIKE_ that *&$%ing lab? What the hell is WRONG WITH YOU?!"

"Cloud, calm down. He was just trying to rhyme, for godssakes." Tifa shot a curious glance at Yuffie. "I still don't get it- what-?"

Yuffie facefaulted. "Two words. Dennis Leary."

"Who?"

"Wait and see."

Vincent:

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested!

(No way, uh-uh!)

No, I gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense!

(Whoa yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!)

I always wear black when the sun's shining high

And make ya believe I'm a suicidal guy

I'M AN ASSHOLE! 

(He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole

(He's the world's biggest asshole)

Sometimes I turn into fucking big demons

Get a kick from the shrieks and the wusses all screamin'

I'M AN ASSHOLE! 

(He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole

(He's a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn't be playing these schemes

Seeming at night like I'm having bad dreams

Maybe my act isn't worth what it seems . . . 

NAH!

I'M AN ASSHOLE!

(He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole 

(He's the world's biggest asshole)

[Spoken]

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 2002 Harley Davidson motorcycle, black, with demonhide seats and the shrunken heads of PETA representatives for headlights, yeah! And I'm gonna ride around on that baby at 115mph, getting one mile per gallon, shooting innocent bystanders and FUCK pedestrian's right of way 'cause I don't give a shit anymore! And when I'm down mowing down every goddamn endangered little rat-species I can find, I'm gonna clean the tires with the Nibelheim flag and then I'm gonna toss the entrails right into Aeris Gainesborough's face, and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do to stop me. You know why? Because I'VE GOT THE GUNS, that's why! Two words: Death-fucking-Penalty, okay?! Cloud, Tifa, Red XIII, they can have all the heroism they want- they can have a big non-alcoholic heroic victory party right in the middle of Nibel Square, and it won't make a lick of difference, because you DON'T fuck with Vincent Valentine, okay?! Rufus Shinra's not dead- he's dismembered! And as soon as we find the cure for one big fucking energy beam we're gonna piece the Pres back together, and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? Have you ever gotten hot tar poured on you? Well, multiply that by 15 million times, and that's how pissed off Rufus's gonna be! I'm gonna get Rufus and Sephiroth-

Voice:

Hey!

Vincent:

And Jenova-

Voice: 

Hey!

Vincent:

And Ruby Weapon-

Voice:

HEY!

Vincent:

And a case of whiskey and ride down to Cosmo Canyon-

Voice:

Hey, you know you really are an asshole?!

Vincent:

Why don't you just shut up and sing the the song, pal?

I'M AN ASSHOLE!

(He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole 

(He's the world's biggest asshole)

A-S-S-H-O-L-E!

Everybody! 

A-S-S-H-O-L-E!

[Chorus]

(Coordinated snarling of demons)

Oooh . . . 

[Spoken]

I'm an asshole and proud of it!

INSERT MASS FACEFAULT HERE

"Jesus Christ, Vincent!" Cloud yelped, once the dark man had rejoined them. "What in hell got into you?!"

"Nothing whatsoever," Vincent replied, leaning back and smirking. "I just got a little sick of the 'vampire' act and decided it was time to let it out for a bit. Not bad shit, huh?"

"TRAITOR!" Yuffie shrieked. "I had a crush on you forEVER but you were always mooning over that Lucy chick! Now it turns out that you're an actual HUMAN BEING when I've just gotten OVER you?! IIIINJUUUSTIIIIICEEEEEE!"

It should be noted that the rest of the Sour Note's patrons- and its management- completely ignored all the arguments. Worse things were happening at other tables. The managerial policy for the bar was, hey, you can shout all you want- we're just glad you're not _shooting._

Meanwhile, Yuffie's outburst had made the entirety of AVALANCHE wince. "Yuffie, I wouldn't go out with you because you were a minor, for chrissakes!" Vincent snapped. "Just because you had some stupid crush doesn't mean I'm obliged to act like Muten Roshi with Juuhachigou! Grow a brain!"

"Muten Roshi's 300, and besides, he's a Turtle Hermit! He's ENTITLED to perving on the jinzoningen!"

"Not Juuhachigou! And what does being a Turtle Hermit have to do with it?!"

_(Author's Note: It should be remembered that all the people who had not- as Vincent and Yuffie had- memorized every episode of Dragonball Z were utterly and completely lost. If you're one of them, just take their word for it, 'kay?)_

"It's well-known that guys who spend a lot of time in enclosed spaces get a little . . . peculiar." Yuffie smirked. "Those shells and coffins can't be good for the, well, reproductive instincts-"

"ARE YOU SAYING I'M A FAG?!"

"No, I'm saying that even if you caught a woman, you wouldn't know what the hell to do with her! Ever wonder why the waterfall chick ditched you for Hojo? At least he wasn't . . . "

"Finish that sentence. I dare you." Vincent was beginning to sprout demon wings under his leather jacket. Yuffie doubly smirked now- she had him exactly where she wanted him.

'You get the idea. Besides," she said slyly, stretching like a cat, "There _must_ be _something_ wrong with you. No man can resist my charms."

"I can!"

"I said _no man_. You're disqualified!"

Oooh, that stung. Time for drastic measures. "You're going to regret that," Vincent growled. She'd struck him where it hurt most- degrading and doubting his ability to attract members of the opposite gender. Biiiiiiiig mistake. "Take. That. Back. Now." When the insolent ninja shook her head, Vincent's eyes blazed evilly. "Fine." Leaning across the table, he hauled Yuffie up by the front of her green sweater, pulled her over the table to where he was standing, and kissed her. Hard. Not his best performance, and rather impromptu, but hell . . . neither of them was complaining. 

AVALANCHE broke out in cheers and whistles as the pair parted, Vincent now the one smirking while Yuffie looked dazed. _Whoa!_ She thought, staring up at the evil grin on Vincent's face. She had just been grabbed and thoroughly kissed by a hot guy, and frankly, she now stood corrected on the whole 'man' issue. "You win," she said after a moment, crossing her arms. "Wanna try for two?"

At last, they were both grinning evilly. "Maybe afterwards," Vincent replied. "Public place, after all. And the rest of the group still has to sing."

"Great. It's a date."

After that little incident, things settled down considerably . . . for about ten minutes. Then, when AVALANCHE was so sick of drunken businessmen warbling "My Way" that they were about to bludgeon Cait Sith into getting up there and providing them with some comic relief, Rude got up from the Turks' table and strode up to the host to make a selection.

Soft guitar notes mingled with with a gentle drumbeat, and Rude picked up the microphone and began to sing. As the first words left his mouth, however, AVALANCHE simultaneously screamed.

"SIMON AND GARFUNKEL?!"

This insult could not be ignored.

Rude:

Hello, darkness, my old friend . . . 

"Wearing those sunglasses all the time, they oughtta be friends," Vincent muttered. Yuffie, newly liberated in her role of Official Girlfriend, elbowed him.

I've come to talk with you again

"Yeah, this is the Darkness. I'm not home right now, but leave a message at the sound of the beep and I'll get back to you. If this is Rude, buzz off! I DON'T want any aluminum siding, goddammit!" Tifa muttered. Cloud snickered and kept filming; this could turn out to be the highlight of the evening.

Because a vision softly creeping

Left its seeds while I was sleeping

"Ewwwwwww!"

And the vision that was planted in my brain 

"-didn't take root, because you forgot to fertilize properly. In damp, acidic soil such as we have here, a lack of proper nutrition can stifle the plants, causing-"

"Sephiroth, have you been watching _Gardening Today_ again?"

"Shut up, both of you!"

Still remains

"Even though I've been taking all those neato pills the doc gave me-"

"Will you be quiet?!"

Within the sound of silence

"As in, 'what is the sound of one hand clapping?'"

"Don't you dare go Zen on me, VInnie!"

In restless dreams I walked alone 

Narrow streets of

"Dine bone?"

"Home Alone?"

"Moan and groan?"

"Traffic cone?"

"Slaughtered clone?"

"Kidney stone?"

"Insect drone?"

cobblestone 

'Neath the halo of a street lamp

"Enjoy it while you can- it's the only halo _you're_ likely to get," Elena muttered. 

I turned my collar to the cold and damp 

When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light 

That split the night 

[Homer Simpson voice] "I've seen the light- and it _burns!_"

"Sephiroth!"

And touched the sound of silence

"Okay, and now we're _touching_ sound, or rather a lack of sound. Are you guys _sure_ that Rude passed the Turk Aptitude Test?"

"Actually, I think Tifa hit him a bit too hard last time we fought."

And in the naked light I saw 

Ten thousand people, maybe more

"Naked? Ten thousand people? AAAAAAAAAHHH! BAD MENTAL IMAGE! BAD!" 

People talking without speaking 

People hearing without listening

"Here's a Zen problem for you: What is the sound of one sloshed Turk singing karaoke?"

_"'Disturbing.'" _

People writing songs that voices never share

"Probably for a good reason, if they're all like this one-" 

And no one dare 

Disturb the sound of silence

"Why not?"

"Rhetorical question, Yuffie."

"Rheta-whatta?"

" . . . you know, there's a _reason_ I didn't used to talk much."

"Fools" said I, "You do not know

"THAT I AM WEARING THE ALMIGHTY CHOCOBO-PRINT BOXER SHORTS! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"E-yah. Right."

Silence like a cancer grows

Hear my words that I might teach you, 

Take my arms that I might reach you." 

"And subsequently knock you off a cliff, of course. But let's not mention that little fact, hmmm?"

But my words like silent raindrops fell, 

And echoed 

In the wells of silence 

"So now we've got a _physical object_ containing sound, or rather the lack thereof, which people are supposed to touch. Did it EVER in his ENTIRE LIFE occur to this composer that he was being the biggest-"

"Stop before you hurt yourself, buddy!"

And the people bowed and prayed 

To the neon god they made

"Ommmmm . . . ommmmmmm . . . call 773-456-9042 for contest details . . . ommmmmmm . . . " 

And the sign flashed out its warning 

"DORKY MUSIC APPROACHING! ALL CITIZENS TAKE COVER!"

In the words that it was forming

And the sign said

_"'Thank you for not smoking?'"_

"That wasn't funny."

"I'm a robot. What do you expect?"

"The words of the prophets 

are written on the subway walls 

And tenement halls."

"And the great lord saith unto Elijah, 'Thou shalt dial Monica S. at 561-9072, and thou shalt have a good time with the woman appointed therein.'"

And whisper'd in the sounds of silence . . . 

"Silence, hell!" Cloud yelled as the crowd burst into applause- not for the song, but rather for the impromptu MSTing that the two booths full of irate heroes had given it. "We should do this full time!"

"Nope. FF.Net's removed the MST category, remember?"

"Oh yeah. Fuck."

"My turn!" Yuffie announced. She jumped up, and was about to make her way over to the stage when Vincent reached up and snagged the back of her turtleneck sweater.

"Yuffie, you're not drunk yet." The dark man said calmly. "No karaoke until you're shitfaced- that's an order."

Yuffie glared at him. "So? You weren't drunk either- you were just fed up! And why can't I have a little fun once in a while?"

"Look, I support free speech and all that bull, but if you want to be a 'dignified ruler' when Godo croaks, then you're going to have to stay off doing stupid things while you're sober, right?" Vincent pointed out. Yuffie pouted, then suddenly, an evil grin appeared on her face. She leaned down and whispered something in Vincent's ear. The man's red eyes widened, then he nodded and let go of her sweater, grinning a little to himself. Evidently, Yuffie had made an offer he couldn't refuse . . . Cloud tried not to think about that and concentrated on his filming.

"Ten gil says she sings 'Material Girl,'" Marlene whispered to Tifa.

Tifa blinked. "Where'd you get that idea from?"

"Daddy's Madonna collection, of course! And everyone else has been ad-libbing . . . why not 'Materia Girl'? Makes sense."

The bartender thought for a moment. "Why not, indeed," she mused. Then Marlene's other words hit her. "Barret? You have a Madonna collection?"

"Just a small one . . . " Barret muttered. Marlene, however, shivered mightily and scrambled down from her father's lap.

"Oh, yeah, Auntie Tifa, you should see it! Daddy an' Mamma Elmyra singin' along on 'Like A Virgin' . . . Auntie, what's a 'virgin,' anyway?"

"Barret, stop bleeding all over the tablecloth. Marlene, a virgin is a woman who . . . doesn't like boys," Tifa said finally.

Marlene shook her head. "But that's a lesbian, Aunt Tifa."

Cue Vesuvius-style nosebleed.

"Shut up, both of you," Cloud hissed across the table. "Yuffie's song is starting!"

A whirl of synthesized electronic notes, followed by a quick guitar riff, heralded the performance of Yuffie Kisaragi . . .

Yuffie:

I train every day

I don't support the team

Can't take direction, shuriken's never clean

Vampires dated me (Vincent: "Hey!")

My father hated me

I was always in a bind, robbing AVALANCHE blind

Everyday I fought the war against Sephiroth

Couldn't stand the presence of those shiny orbs

I'm a hazard to their health

Don't let them get me

I'm their own insider thief

It's good when I annoy them all

So irritating

Don't wanna be the Wutai lord

I wanna go steal something else

I wanna go steal something else, yeah

Ciddie chainsmokes, foulin' up the car

Tifa's bra is stuffed with gravel and road tar

Tired of bein' called the Brat Thief of the group

Magic's pretty, but not cast at me

Spiky, Spiky, won't you please stop angstin' always

Go buy a life with all your gil

'Cuz you're a hazard to my health

Don't let them get me

I'm their own insider thief

It's good when I annoy them all

So irritating

Don't wanna be the Wutai lord

I wanna go steal something else

Don't let them get me

I'm their own personal freak

It's good when I annoy them all

So irritating

Don't wanna be the Brat no more

I wanna go steal something else

Spiky, Spiky, won't you please stop angstin' always

Go buy a life with all your gil

'Cuz you're a hazard to my health

Don't let them get me

I'm their own insider thief

It's good when I annoy them all

So irritating

Don't wanna be the Wutai lord

I wanna go steal something else

I wanna go steal something else, yeah . . . 

8:10 PM

("Yeah, I know we're not Turks anymore. Old habits die hard.")

Did you ever think when you flick on the light

It ain't coal or oil but pure Shinra might?

Now I know we're cruel and I know we're base

But our power's been spread all over the place

Seems to me y'all aren't grateful though

For ruthless Shinra Co.

You hate that Shinra Co. 

There's a light in the window of the Midgar homes

That's defended by Shinra SOLDIER clones

They fight to bring you power but you'd never see

That there's terrorists out for blood, boys

They're terrorists out for blood

8:58 PM

("Tifa, put the bottle down and back away from the bar. Slowly.")

All the beers are gone (are gone)

And the fridge is dead (the fridge is dead)

I've been on a tear (a tear)

With an aching head (an aching head)

I'd be drunk and warm (and warm)

Or better yet, in bed (yet, in bed)

Seventh Heaven tending

(Heaven, tending)

Ventilated with lead

9:30 PM

("Watch ouf for the wall, Cloud. Cloud? CLOUD?! . . . Oooh, that's gotta hurt.")

I like big hair and I cannot lie!

You other heroes can't deny

When a gal walks in with a double-D bra

And five pounds of hair I'm in awe

Want to sleep with her 'cuz I noticed those bouncing locks

Aim for the ribbon she's wearin'

I'm stuck and I can't stop starin'

Oh, baby, I wanna unbraid it

And then I've made it

My sidekick's trying to warn me

But those stylish clips make me so horny!

9:42 PM

("Don't worry. The robot's not creative enough to make anything up.")

He's a pinball wizard, there has to be a twist

A pinball wizard's got such a supple wrist

How do you think he does it I don't know

What makes him so good

10:00 PM 

("Screw protocol. Reno made a pass at me yesterday, Tseng, and I'm going to make him pay!")

You tell a joke and forget the punchline

Why you always wastin' my time?

Hey buddy, trust me, you just disgust me

You hair's a mess and your suit's all crusty

I don't know too many real males

Who make a habit of biting their toenails

Whoa, every time you call, you drive me up the wall

Pally, just the sight of you makes my flesh crawl

I'm sure we'd be happy together

If only one thing weren't true

Oh, Reno, I yi yi yi yi

I'm so sick of you!

You drink the milk right from the carton

What are you, in kindergarten?

You're belchin' everywhere, foulin' up the air

Then you use my razor to shave your back hair

You don't have an ounce of class

You're just one big pain in the neck

How much more can I take now, give me a break now

You even snore when you're wide awake now

You tell all your friends we're the perfect couple

Well, maybe you should get a clue

'Cause, Reno, I yi yi yi yi

I'm so sick of you

Lightning, you're so nauseatin'

I yi yi yi yi

I'm so sick of you!

10:36 PM

("Hmmm, _somebody's_ bitter. Think he found the cigarettes we switched for his reefers?")

One orb makes you larger

And another makes you small

And the ones that you give Yuffie

Don't do anything at all

Go ask Yuffie 

When's she's heaving it all

And if you go chasing Weapons

And you know you're 

going to die

Tell 'em all a demon

Wearing black and scarlet

Is a &^$%ing screwy guy

Kill Vincent

'Cause he needs to die

Men with Chia-pet hair

Get up and tell you where to go

And you're just sick

Of staying in back

And some robot needs to blow

Go ask Tifa

I think she'll know

When Sephiroth and Jenny

Have fallen softly dead

And Mary Sues

Are invading your life

And lardo Palmer's

Is _so _gonna be dead

Remember what the dormouse said:

Feed your head!

Feed your head!

11:02 PM

("Again? Why the . . . never mind.")

I was there

To match my shuriken

At Gold Saucer (TM)

Against a Ghostie Hand

Oh, and a Moon Giant

Both with an ugly grin

Hit my Limit

And was Breakin'

But I guess it just wasn't my day

'Cause I got 'em

With an Ice Three

But they both had an immuni-tay!

I, I, I,

I lost in Battle Square, baby!

(Whooo, oooo!)

I lost in Battle Square, baby!

3:20 AM

"WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN, BAKA?!!!"

"C'moooooon," Yuffie slurred, staggering drunkenly as she leaned against the ornately painted screen. "I wash jusht havin' a li'l Avalanshche r'uni'n down a' Coshta del Shol . . . gimme a break, otoushaan."

"And that boy? The one I saw you kissing at the town limits?"

"Oh, him." The sauced ninja slid to the ground, smiling drunkenly. "He'sh my besht buddy, Vinnie! Y'don't need t'worry 'bout him- pure ash a lump'a- *hic*- natcheral mat'ria." 

"Natural materia has numerous flaws in every piece, Yuffie." Godo had smoke coming out of his ears now. "What are you trying to tell me?"

"Nuthin'." Yuffie giggled. "Jesht that he'sh my new- *hic*- boyfriend. Thash all."

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT??!!!!!" 

3:21 AM

Vincent Valentine, ex-Turk extraordinaire, paused in mid-flight as the echoing howl soared out into the night. "Poor Godo," he mused. "I suppose it's no good telling him that nothing happened. Of course . . . there's still the Halloween party next month." And, chuckling gleefully, the Chaoswinged man soared off into the night, happily contemplating keg parties to come.

Author's Note: I don't own "Who Let the Dogs Out," "I'm Too Sexy," "Genie in a Bottle," "Asshole," "The Sound of Silence," "Don't Let Me Get Me," "Cats in the Cradle," "California Dreamin'," "Baby Got Back," "Pinball Wizard," "I'm So Sick of You," "White Rabbit," or "I Lost on Jeopardy." Except for "I'm So Sick of You," the obvious parodies are my own inventions. And yes, if there's enough response, I'm willing to write the Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, etcetera subsequent chapters for this. 

Further Note to ItSotN Readers: No, I am not slacking off on the story. I actually completed the fic you've just read in late July, and it was written entirely as an 'unwind and be stupid' sort of thing. I'm currently working on the second chapter, "Halloween Hijinks," while simultaneously finishing up chapter 7 of ItSotN. Don't kill me? Please?


	2. Helloween

Author's Note: Well, here it is. You asked for it. You pleaded for it. You threatened various creatively painful procedures for it. Apologies for more talk and less karaoke, but as I noted in the first author's note, this entire story is simply an Unwind and Be Stupid project. As I write this, my best friend is recovering from a nasty collision with a minivan, and I feel in dire need of stupidity after spending five hours in the ER.

Apologies to anybody I may offend with this story, and there are quite a few of them out there to be leery of.

WARNING! This story contains blatant Yuffentine and Aeriseph romance, as well as the intimation that both pairs are sufficiently advanced in their relationships to periodically repair to the broom closet. Since this is set several years after the game, you "Christ! She's sixteen!" people don't have to worry anymore.

Announcement: If you want to meet me (and I can't imagine why), me and two of my friends are going to be at Anime Central 2005 in Rosemont, Illinois, for all three days. I'm dressing as Tifa, and my friends are Aeris and Cloud. We're a cheerful group, and quite eager to cosplay or horse around. You'll recognize us immediately; I'll be the Tifa crossing her arms and rolling her eyes as the Aeris snogs her long-haired boyfriend. You may see me attempting to preserve some shred of dignity by pretending I don't know them.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII and all associated characters and concepts belong to Squaresoft Inc. I'm not sure who Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde belong to, but whoever it is, I want to buy 'em. Jesus Christ, if not in the public domain, ought to be. Ditto for angels and Mary Magdalene. (Note: I'm an observant Catholic, so if anybody out there takes issues with Yuffie's Halloween costume, please remember that I'm sure God has a sense of humor. He created Ralph Nader, didn't he? And don't even get me started on the duck-billed platypus.)

Party City: Midgar , Part II: HELLOWEEN

by Morrigan, the Nightmare Queen

"Altruism is the single most cursed facet of human existence. It goes against all logic or scientific conscience; nature has declared that the fittest must survive, to benefit the human race, but every day people reach out to rescue the unworthy dregs from their wretched existences. Poverty, cruelty, avarice, war, disease and darkness- none are misfortunes to all, for they serve only to wipe away the excess material which may not benefit the whole. To be merciful is to be weakened; to pity is to degrade oneself. "

"Sheesh, Vinnie, you're really getting into character, huh?"

Glaring, Vincent Valentine- ex-Turk extraordinaire, current resident of the newly remodeled Shinra Mansion and also currently wishing for one of those handy Shinra-issue suicide capsules- tugged at his frock coat with his golden claw. "If I am to attend this ridiculous function," he muttered sourly, "Then I must present a facade I feel comfortable with. And in my current mood, this was the most appropriate."

His girlfriend of six months, intrepid ninja and convicted felon (sorry, materia hunter) Yuffie Kisaragi, watched bemusedly as the demonic man struggled with- and lost to- his Halloween costume. "I may not be exactly ordinary-looking," he finally snapped, breaking character for a moment, "But do I really have to wear this getup? Whose bright idea was it to have an AVALANCHE party, anyway? We just had one half a year ago!"

"That's your big problem, Vinnie," Yuffie sighed, adjusting the coat. "Just because you turned sixty-one two weeks ago, you have to act like an old fart. Here's an instant message from REALITY: Cloud and Tifa got married, Aeris and Sephiroth were resurrected and are probably sleeping together, Shera is forcing Cid to give up smoking, and you and I are going to another AVALANCHE reunion bash. And Cloud said Halloween costumes, so we're wearing Halloween costumes. End of discussion. So-" she said, stepping back and patting down her homespun robes, "How do I look?"

"Sacrilegious." Vincent sighed.

Yuffie glowered. "Look, it's NOT sacrilege because I'M not into this three-gods-in-one stuff. Father, son, and holy spirit. Right. How the hell do they do family reunions if they're all in one body? And shouldn't there be, oh, a MOTHER involved?"

"Don't ask me. But if you're going to attend as Jesus Christ, could you at least try to make the illusion believeable?" Vincent asked, although without much hope. "You know, maybe a beard or something? Meeting the supposed Savior of Mankind and seeing that it's the same person that I- you know- 'ed last night . . . it kind of puts one off organized religion."

The young ninja grinned suddenly and wrapped both of her arms around one of his. "C'moooooon, mortal," she slurred, "If'n ah'm goin' ta'a Hallyween par-tay with ma man, ah ain't goin as no man!"

"What the hell kind of accent is that supposed to be?"

"Dunno. Just came to me. Anyway- use your prodigiously horned head, dark-n-sexy! We can't have a male Jesus turn up on the arm of Dr. H. Jekyll, can we?" She thought for a moment. "Certainly raises some interesting questions about the church, though. Anyway, if you'd dressed up like Mary Magdalene the way I'd asked-"

"NO." Firmly, Vincent shoved that mental image out of his head. "YOU may be willing to crossdress, but if you wanted to date a drag queen, you should have gone after Strife when you had the chance. I'll play Dr. Jekyll for the evening- either that or Count Dracula, and my dignity could hardly withstand that, God knows- but I draw the line at dressing up as a Biblical whore!"

Yuffie didn't respond immediately. In fact, she didn't even move, just stared intensely. Then she calmly tackled the surprised man to the floor- and pinned him down easily, too, even despite his enhanced strength and her encumbering robe. And unfortunately for Vincent, the base of his spine made contact with the Outsider revolver, which he had accidentally dropped earlier when Yuffie had begun forcing him into his costume.

"AaaaAH! Son of a-"

"You know," the shinobi purred, flexing her fingers experimentally, "I like it when you're angry. It makes me think of Chaos. A big, strong sexy . . . demon."

Suddenly, Vincent's breath was coming much faster.

"MY demon."

The claw tightened involuntarily. Its razor-sharp digits were scraping five long lines in the antique floorboards, but neither of them even noticed. Spots all over the house, including the porcelain bathtub, had similar scars.

"Vinnie . . . I really did like it just now."

And if it weren't for the quick use of a Hi-Potion, Yuffie would have had a matching set on one shoulder.

Safe sex really did have a new meaning for some people.

"Yuffie . . . " Vincent hissed, "We don't have time . . . "

"The hell we don't, koibito." Out of unconscious habit, Yuffie shifted her weight to her left side, moving out of claw zone. "It's only five PM. We've got all the time in the world . . . and it's my turn to be on top."

"Let me guess. You drank a Hyper instead of coffee this morning?"

"Awww, you guessed."

The elongated canine teeth which had once frightened the ninja were now displayed in an ominous grin.

"Well, who am I to refuse a lady anything?"

Le Casa Strife, 6:57 PM

"HOLD STILL, DAMMIT!"

"Tiiiiiiifaaaaaaa . . . do I HAVE to? I really gotta-"

"YES, YOU DO! NOW HOLD STILL!"

flash

"All right, can I go to the bathroom now?"

"Didn't I say something about doing your business BEFORE you got dressed . . . ?"

"Yes, you did, and yes you were right and I'm sorry and I'll do all the dishes for the rest of the year but please please please help me out of this thing!"

Tifa- currently known for the day as Dona Corneo- raised one dyed blonde eyebrow. "Why are you panicking? It's just like what you normally wear."

"PLANET NO IT ISN'T AND I HAVE TO GO REALLY BAD TIFA HELP ME!"

"You know, it's a good thing Sephiroth and Aeris aren't here yet, because you look . . . I'm not gonna say." Stifling giggles, Tifa knelt down and carefully peeked under the satin skirt. "Damn, you weren't kidding. You must be another Grinch, because your bladder is three sizes too big."

"HELP!"

The martial artist straightened up, now businesslike. "OK. It's shoes first, then pantyhose, then the girdle, then the thong. When you're done, it's in reverse. Got it?"

"Shoes hose girdle thong THANKS!"

Tifa blinked.

When she opened her eyes again, Cloud had disappeared, and a sigh of relief accompanied by the sound of a waterfall was echoing from the first-floor bathroom.

"Honestly, why did I marry that dope?"

A minute later, the sheepish warrior emerged, wearing an expression of gratitude. "Thanks, Tif," he said, attempting to loosen the bright red sash around his waist. "When I suggested Don Corneo and his bride for a Halloween costume, I kinda thought . . . well . . . I guess I figured / would be the guy, and you would be the girl. Same as usual. I'm sorry I took you for granted, honey."

One mind-blowing kiss later, the natural blonde took off for the kitchen to check on the canapes, still managing to look handsome and manly in a violet satin dress, spangly stiletto heels, and more makeup than Scarlett with dry skin. Tifa, her red velvet bathrobe and violent Mohawk rather askew, sighed and collapsed against the wall.

"Oh, right. True love. If this keeps up, I'm going to have heartache failure."

App. 7:30 PM

Unsurprisingly, everybody chose to arrive at the party in their own unique manner. Only five minutes after the Highwind unceremoniously destroyed the backyard by landing right in Tifa's raspberry bushes, the Strifes' respectable neighbors were shocked- yes, shocked!- when a massive motorcycle roared up the street, bearing a first class Shinra SOLDIER and an angel with a partially see-through robe and real wings. Barret and Marlene (the former in a Blade costume, the latter dressed as a princess) appeared in an old turquoise pickup truck, with Red XIII and his new mate, Proginoskes, modeling very interesting feline editions of Ifrit and Shiva in the back.

As the pickup was being unloaded, a sleek black convertible purred up to the house, driven by a clean-shaven Oriental edition of Aragorn (The Lord of the Rings), who was accompanied by a suspiciously blonde Arwen and a rather drunken and untidy Legolas. The 'elf'- who evidently could not be persuaded to abandon his explosion of red hair and ever-present sunglasses- fell rather heavily to the sidewalk and had to be helped up by the other two, who were clearly used to this duty and performed it resignedly.

The first-class SOLDIER looked at Blade and raised one silver eyebrow questioningly. In reply, the other gave him a dirty look and pointedly turned away.

"Jackass," the SOLDIER murmured, then turned back to the motorcycle and lifted the angel off. She gave him a gentle shove as he set her down on the ground.

"You didn't have to do that, Seph. I'm not dead," she said.

"ANYMORE!" Blade shouted over his shoulder, before turning his back again and marching into the house, princess in tow.

"Fuck you!" Sephiroth retorted, rubbing his bare arms as the cold October wind whispered around them. "Damn, I'm freezing! How the hell did Strife manage the North Crater in this getup?"

Aeris shrugged and adjusted her halo. "Don't ask me. I wasn't with them by that time. And incidentally, this is what you get for just digging through a box of old clothes instead of getting an actual costume for the party."

The former general looked sideways at her. "You vetoed every costume idea I had."

"Yes. That. Well, 'Sephiroth: Triumphant Son of Jenova,' complete with a little Cloud doll impaled on the end of the Masamune, wouldn't really fly at an AVALANCHE reunion. And the Shinra lab coat and glasses just bring up too many bad memories for everyone, and that ought to include you."

"What about that other idea?"

Aeris choked. "Fine at home, NOT fine at a costume party. I think to qualify as a costume, it has to be more than a fig leaf. Honestly, Sephiroth, where's your sense of decency?"

Sephiroth snickered. "I lost it the day you decided to jump my bones."

"Me? Jump YOUR bones? YOU were the one backing me up against the wall!"

"Your fault."

"MY fault?"

"You know what that little black dress does to me-"

"What it does to you! You were the one who bought it for me!"

Sephiroth scratched his head. "Really?"

"Yes, really."

"I might be thinking about a different one. You've had so many damn dresses, I can't keep track of them any more."

The Cetra raised one eyebrow in a very Vincent-esque gesture. "No, it was that little black silk one. Remember, the cleaning lady found it in the chandelier after we-"

"Hey!" A very familiar voice yelled. "Outta the way, rs! #in' comin' through here!"

Aeris and Sephiroth turned simultaneously, staring at the incongruous pair who had disembarked from the Highwind and were now making their way up the driveway. Whatever reservations Cid and Shera might have had about each other, they had obviously made up for lost time; the pilot's arm was firmly fastened around Shera's waist. A good thing, as Shera was modelling a "Tavern Wench" costume, and that arm was the largest thing she was currently wearing. Cid, on the other hand, was rigged out as some sort of ninja- complete with purple hair, dark-blue mask and cloak, poofy pants, bare chest, pointy shoes, and two plastic swords slung over his back.

"Someone's been playing too much Final Fantasy IV," Sephiroth observed dryly. "Edge?"

"Her &$ing idea," Cid growled, cigarette planted firmly between his jaws. Shera tsked and plucked the white cylinder out of his mouth.

"Cid, what did we talk about?" she chided.

"No #&in' cigarettes," Cid ground out between clenched teeth.

"And if you want to smoke one, what do you do?"

The reply was almost inaudible. "Have some &#in' gum."

"Attaboy!" Shera cheered, jamming a large square of Nicorette between the pilot's tensed jaws. Groaning and muttering something unprintable under his breath, Cid obediently began to chew, obviously calming down as the gum began to work its chemical magic. Sephiroth snickered.

"_Somebody's _whipped, eh, Gainesborough?"

"SEPHIROTH!" the Cetra yelled from the front steps of the house. "Stop standing around out there! You're going to catch cold!"

"Yessir. Hojo. Aeris. Argh!" Sephiroth slapped himself out of the automatic response. "Coming, dear!"

The Strifes had obviously been busy with the preparations for the Halloween party. The living room of the two-story house was decorated in the best Haunted Mansion manner, with negative neon lights, elaborately draped cobwebs, and the occasional oversized spider lurking on the refreshment table. Cloud had somehow managed to acquire and hang a giant pinata shaped like a human skull, and Tifa had decorated it with a black ponytailed wig and little round glasses and hung a sign next to it: DESTROY HOJO, WIN 1 MASTERED KNIGHTS OF ROUND. The stereo was set across an open coffin, and a real live Yin-Yang was chained to the wall next to the bathroom door. Somebody had dropped a chunk of dry ice into the toilet, causing plumes of cold fog to drizzle over its edges and drift through the rooms; there was also a dummy made up like Rufus Shinra in the bathtub, creatively festooned with blood and shards of broken glass. Scrawled on its shirtfront were the words WEAPON 1, SHINRA 0.

Hauling a drunken Elf imposter across the threshhold, Tseng and Elena stopped and glanced around, momentarily impressed. Then the Oriental Turk dropped Reno's arm, strode over to the hanging skull pinata, and dealt it such a mighty whack that the bottles rattled on the refreshment table. Since Cloud had reinforced the pinata, it failed to break apart, but Tseng didn't seem to care about that. He ripped off the skull's glasses and efficiently stuffed them through one gaping eye socket. Smiling beatifically, he then returned to his fellow Turks and helped "Arwen" haul "Legolas" to the cobweb-festoooned couch.

"Nice to see you guys could make it," Tifa said, trying and failing to suppress a grin. "Since you guys helped with the reconstruction and all, we figured it was time for a peace party. Cool costumes!"

"Thanks- oof- a lot," Elena gasped, dropping Reno's lower half onto the sofa. "I like the Mohawk. Dare I ask what Cloud's wearing?"

Tifa shrugged nonchalantly. "Oh, he's just in something we dug out of the closet. You'll see him in a few minutes- he's just in the kitchen, putting the finishing touches on the food. How'd you bribe Reno into wearing the Legolas costume?"

The blonde woman snickered. "Well, we were gonna do "Lord of the Rings" from the beginning, and he and Tseng had a huge argument over who was going to be Aragorn. We finally convinced him that girls _loved _Legolas, and then of course he was all for it. But after we bought the costumes and tried them on, he started looking down the front of my gown, and then Tseng went after him with a shotgun-"

"Do I really want to hear the end to that story?"

"Probably not." Elena glanced around. "Wow, I love what you did with this place. Uh . . . what's with the Yin-Yang?"

Tifa rolled her eyes. "Cloud's idea. He's planning on getting everyone into a drinking game later, so that thing's there to make sure nobody sneaks into the bathroom."

"Cool!" Elena's eyes sparkled. "What game?"

"It's called 'I've Never.'"

"Uh oh . . . "

"Exactly."

Neither woman, occupied with their conversation, saw the widened pair of eyes staring out at them.

Mrs. Katherine O'Connelly had lived at Number 4, Evergreen Avenue, Kalm for her entire life. She had always done everything the exact same way, just as her mother and her grandmother had before her; feed the cat, feed the husband, stitch herself a few new furniture covers, and _of course_ keep up on all the news of the neighborhood. Roger went to work every morning at seven o'clock exactly, and always would; a good man, Roger, they broke the mold when they made him. After making sure his tie was neat and his suit was brushed, Mrs. Katherine O'Connelly would send him off to the shop with a little packed lunch, have herself a nice cup of tea (she'd never taken to this newfangled habit of morning coffee; no sir, good old-fashioned tea was just right for her), and take a look at the neighbors across the way.

Being a formidable matron of considerable experience, Mrs. Katherine O'Connelly felt it her solemn duty to keep an eye on everyone and everything that might go on in the neighborhood. Some of these young folks simply didn't know how to behave; the things they got up to would make a less intelligent woman than Mrs. Katherine O'Connelly shudder, but the noble lady never turned away from her task. If somebody didn't watch over these people, make sure they behaved properly and let the rest of the street know if they weren't _nice, _there'd be no telling what might happen!

Take those Strifes next door, for instance. Mrs. Katherine O'Connelly had been suspicious of those two ever since they'd moved in two or three years back; that young man, Cloud (now what kind of name was that, she wondered? Certainly not the name of a properyoung fellow), went about with a great huge _sword _all day, "protecting the town" or so it was said. Well, Mrs. Katherine O'Connelly knew that _she'd _never wanted any protection, thank you very much, and certainly wasn't going to trust any sort of man that carried a weapon! There were rumors in town that he'd been involved in that horrid Meteor business a few years ago; something about some dreadful young man who had run amok and caused a great deal of damage. (Obviously not properly brought up, Mrs. Katherine O'Connelly knew instantly; _her _children would never be on the nine o'clock news!) There had been a photograph of the culprit in the morning papers- a hoodlum with long(!) _dyed _(!!) hair, dressed like a criminal and carrying a sword too! If Mr. Strife had been involved in any of that disturbing business, Mrs. Katherine O'Connelly would never invite _him _over for luncheon, no thank you!

But it was that Mrs. Strife that truly shocked and disappointed the worthy matron. Tifa Strife dressed like a harridan, wearing short skirts and _armless _shirts, and did her shopping on a great black motorbike with "Hardy Daytona" stencilled on the side. Played the piano beautifully; she'd obviously been brought up with some sort of proper education, but she'd thrown it all away to marry that Cloud and strut about like a harlot! Every day, watching Tifa Strife tear down the street on the motorbike, Mrs. Katherine O'Connelly would shake her head in disapproval, and telephone her friends to report on the latest offenses to taste and decency at the Strife house.

Since those Strifes were at least adults, Mrs. Katherine O'Connelly had assumed that there wouldn't be any goings-on around their house on All Hallows' Eve; after all, they might not be respectable, but they might at least have the common sense not to make themselves up and parade their shame in public. Unfortunately, she had been gravely mistaken, and now stationed herself behind the translucent chintz curtains to watch the goings-on. After all, _she _at least was a respectable woman, and ought to know exactly what they were doing so that she might upbraid them properly the next day.

The first blow badly rocked Mrs. Katherine O'Connelly, and she knew in her stomach that it was not the worst to come: that Cloud Strife was walking around the house _in a dress! _Made up like a lady of the evening, with painted face and high heels, no less! Mrs. Katherine O'Connelly tsked and shook her head disapprovingly, making a notation in her small fabric-covered book. The Housing Community Council would be hearing of this, oh yes! Shameful parading and unnatural practices behind closed doors! Did they have no respect for the reputation of the neighborhood?

Five minutes later, there was a roaring overhead like the voice of the Devil, and a horrible huge airship came catapulting out of the sky and landed in the Strifes' backyard. Mrs. Katherine O'Connelly wrinkled her nose disgustedly. Those raspberry bushes had made a wonderful contrast to her own begonia patch, and now the color scheme of every backyard on the street was put off! Another notation for the little book.

A man in a purple mask, oh my goodness! _Smoking! _A great huge man in black leather, leading a little princess- what was going on with _that, _Mrs. Katherine O'Connelly didn't want to know! Some half-naked young lady in white, riding _another _motorcycle with the long-haired man Mrs. Katherine O'Connelly had seen in the papers! The little book was rapidly filling up. Such shocking practices, such disgusting actions- the Housing Community Council must be rung up immediately. What had ever become of proper behavior?

Mrs. Strife was now talking to yet another young woman, this one in a decidedly indecent pale green gown and pointed ear tips. Where did young people get their ridiculous clothes these days, Mrs. Katherine O'Connelly wondered. _Drinking! _A horrid monster, chained to the wall! A skull on a wire! Oh dear, oh dear, what _abominations _were these horrible people committing?

There was a rush of air about the front of the house, and a rhythmic whooshing noise. Mrs. Katherine O'Connelly craned her neck, straining to see what was going on. There was another whoosh and a scream- if Mrs. Katherine O'Connelly had ever heard such a noise before, she would have recognized it as a yell of delight- and a gigantic winged figure came into view, clutching an Asian young woman in long robes. The woman was wriggling and shouting, and the winged thing had its teeth bared-

The little fabric-covered book twitched slightly as, shocked beyond her capacity for rational thought, Mrs. Katherine O'Connelly collapsed in a dead faint on the floor.

"Hey Vincent, did you hear something?" Yuffie asked as the Chaos beast gently set her down on the Strifes' front walk. Between the shinobi's new innovations in the area of recreational sex, and Vincent's years of experience in said occupation, it had taken the couple a long time to get their minds back to the present after Yuffie had jumped on her lover. By the time they had found all their clothes again, it was a quarter after six, and Vincent had been forced to morph into Chaos in order to get them to the party on time.

"Yeh." the monster responded. "Ieh heah thuthiiiin-"

"Demorph the six-inch teeth, then answer, okay?"

A few moments later, Vincent was relatively normal. The dark man readjusted his clothing as the last vestiges of horn sucked into his scalp. "Yes, I did hear something. A sharp gasp, following by an accelerated heartbeat and then a thud. Either we weren't the only ones catching a quickie before the party, or someone just fainted."

"Knowing Tifa and Cloud, what do you think?"

"I think we'd better knock a few times before we go in."

Yuffie lifted her hand to knock, but the door flew open before her hand met the wood. Cloud stood there in full female splendor, a lipstick-stained grin lighting up his face. "Hey, Yuff!" he exclaimed, sweeping the surprised ninja up in a giant hug. "Great to see you again! Hey, happy Halloween, Vincent! Where were you guys? We've been expecting you!"

"Hello, Cloud."

"Ow- Strife- your underwire's poking me- ow-!" Gasping for breath, Yuffie struggled out of the warrior's grasp. "Geez, Strife!" she said, adjusting her halo. "What's with the getup? Cid finally beat you in poker?"

"Nah, it's my Halloween costume," Cloud said. "Tifa's Don Corneo. That's right, you guys weren't with us then, were you?"

The edge of Vincent's mouth twitched. "No, and I thank the gods every day for that."

"Too bad. You would've made a great girl. C'mon in, guys! Everyone's here already!" Cloud exclaimed, ushering a red-faced Vincent and a snickering Yuffie into the house.

"Vincent! Yuffie!" Once again, Yuffie found herself engulfed in a massive hug. "It's great to see you guys!" Tifa exclaimed, releasing the gagging ninja. "Love the coat, Vincent. It's so Gothic. Let me guess: Dr. Jekyll?"

"Unfortunately. Yuffie's idea." Glancing around, the dark man stopped dead. "Is that what I think it is?"

"It sure as $# is!" yelled Cid from across the room. "We've been waitin' for you to start it off, demon-boy!"

Vincent eyeballed Cid. "The last time we did karaoke, everyone got drunk and started making up their own songs. If I recall correctly, you and Shera were found in a broom closet on the fourth floor of the hotel."

"Hey, at least I didn't play &$#in' tonsil hockey with the bratty kid!"

"It's a good thing you didn't, Cid. I would have felt obliged to kill you. And revive you. And kill you again. And revive you again. And stuff your remains up the left nostril of a Behemoth. And-"

"All right, honey, let's go," Yuffie interjected, steering Vincent away from the goggling pilot. "That was unneccessary. Should I call Dr. Pagoria again?"

"That man is a hack, Yuffie. 'Buried homicidal tendencies resulting from traumatizing post-relationship stress,' my foot. I don't know why we went there in the first place."

"Because you tried to murder the Amway representative?"

"It was one of Shinra's creations, Yuffie."

"A simple 'no thank you' would have sufficed. Anyway, I think _all _Amway people glow like that."

Vincent snorted. "Most of them are evil. That I can accept. But calling you an 'underpriveleged minor' was the last straw. Why do people assume that we're some sort of criminals on the lam?"

"The guns, Vincent. Most folks don't walk around with a high-powered rifle that has DEATH PENALTY carved on the stock."

"You haven't been to Midgar, have you?"

Before the conversation could go any farther, Cloud- who was standing by the refreshment table- yelled "HEY!" Everyone swivelled around to look at the braided blonde, who was smiling widely and holding a bottle of champagne.

"OK, everyone!" he said, flourishing the bottle. "This is a party, so Tifa and I have come up with some great party games for everyone to play. Stop rolling your eyes, Barret, these are actually interesting. Everyone grab a chair and get in a circle, and I'll pass out the glasses."

Tifa, Vincent, Yuffie, Cid, Shera, Red XIII and his mate, the three Turks (including Reno, who had done a Finnegan and jerked awake at the scent of alcohol), Aeris, Sephiroth, Cait Sith, Mog, and most of the others did as ordered. In order to make a complete party, Cloud had invited most of the people they had met and befriended during their adventures, and the rest of the company were either older people not interested in a drinking game (such as Bugenhagen) or kids too young to participate, such as Marlene. Barret whispered to his daughter, and Marlene promptly shanghaied Reeve, who was dressed as Ashram from _Record of Lodoss War, _and informed him that he was taking the younger contingent trick-or-treating.

Meanwhile, Cloud was passing around champagne glasses and bottles. "All right," he announced, taking a seat in the circle of chairs, "This game is called 'I've Never.' The rules are simple: one at a time, everyone says something they've never done, and everyone who _has _done that thing has to take a drink. I'll start. I've never attempted to kill my father." He looked pointedly at Sephiroth.

The silver-haired man, however, failed to touch his glass. Cloud raised an eyebrow. "Were you listening to the rules? You're supposed to take a drink!"

"Don't look at _me," _Sephiroth said smoothly. "_I _never laid a hand on my dad."

Cloud stared. "Didn't you rebel against Hojo?"

The other man rolled his eyes. "Yes, I did that. Big deal. He was about as much my father as Jenova was my mother, Strife."

"Then who-"

Vincent raised a hand. "DNA tests came back last month."

"They've been doing father-son bonding every Friday night," Yuffie commented, trying and failing to stifle a shit-eating grin. "You have not known funny until you've seen the Destroyer of the Cetra in bowling shoes."

Sephiroth growled and began to form a fireball in his hand. _"You promised not to mention that!"_

"MOVING ON." Aeris interjected, slapping Sephiroth's hand and extinguishing the spell. "My turn. Ummm . . . I've never eaten toast after it fell butter-side down."

Still glaring, Sephiroth took a drink. So did Cloud, Vincent, Tseng, Cid, Red XIII, Tifa, and Cait Sith. The Cetra sighed and shook her head"Men._"_

"I object!" Tifa said. "It was only down for about a second."

"Tifa, I'm an Ancient. I can detect all forms of life around me, in every shape and form. And there's about thirty-seven thousand types of bacteria on that champagne glass, and you just washed it. Want to make bets?"

Intent on avoiding an argument, Red XIII quickly took his turn. "I've never trained anyone to be a concubine." He looked over at Proginoskes, figuring that nobody would have drunk on that. "Your turn."

His mate shook her head. Red turned.

"Elena?" Tseng said in disbelief as the blonde took a quick swallow from her glass, face bright red.

"It was an unsuccessful experiment. And Hojo caught me in the lab."

Proginoskes scratched herself with one hind leg. "I've never let my mate clean my fur."

Yuffie perked up. "Does it count if-"

"NO." Vincent interrupted. The rest of AVALANCHE looked away, trying to suppress the unbidden, if rather interesting, images that were springing to mind.

Reno was next. He paused for a moment, obviously thinking hard. "Uh . . . hold on a second . . . wait, got i- nope . . . shit . . . nope, did that one . . . umm . . . "

"What's he doing?" Yuffie whispered to Elena.

"Trying to think of something he hasn't done. Talk about difficult."

"Got it!" Reno exclaimed triumphantly. "I have never, consciously or unconsciously, made life easier for _anybody!"_

"Can't argue with that," Tseng muttered, taking a sip from his glass. "I've never fallen asleep hugging a lethal weapon."

"Tifa?"

"I was seven!"

Elena was next. "I've never had bondage sex."

The game was adjourned due to panic.

8:29 PM

The children returned from trick-or-treating, triumphantly led by Marlene and Priscilla, and trailed behind by an obviously exhausted Reeve. Each and every child had a large smear of chocolate around their mouth, and the shellshocked Shinra City Planner's costume had many similar stains.

"I tried," he moaned, collapsing onto the couch. "I really tried! I was nice! I kept them together! I helped them with their costumes! I carried the ones that got tired! What have I done to deserve . . . _this?" _He whimpered, lifting up the chocolate-stained hands, and burying his face in Tifa's clean couch. "I tried . . ." he whimpered. "But the sugar . . . the sugar . . . "

"It's all right," Tifa soothed, wiping his forehead with a cool cloth. "Do you want some punch?"

"No! The SUGAR!"

"Ssshh, ssshh, it's okay. Do you want to solve some complex-compound multivariable equations?"

Reeve's face cleared immediately. "Yes. Calmness. Sanity. Equations don't eat sugar. Equations don't climb on your back and pull your hair. Equations don't insist on grabbing onto your legs like hyperactive leeches." He looked at Tifa. "They don't, do they?"

"No, the equations aren't going to get you. Cloud and I keep our receipts in the box in the kitchen. Would you like do to some taxes?"

"Taxes. Nice taxes. Nice, sane taxes . . . "

"Poor guy," Elena said, watching Reeve crawl towards the kitchen. "Before you know it, he'll be clutching the calculator and going 'My Preciousss . . . '"

Tseng shook his head. "He worked in City Planning for years, running figures and designs. He was never prepared for children on a sugar rush."

"Tseng?"

"Yes?"

"If I ever want to have children, shoot me, OK?"

"Promise. But don't you need a partner first?"

"Could be. Are you available?

"Elena, office romances never work out."

"No problem. Our office is a smoking heap of rubble."

Tseng considered that for a moment.

"How fast can you get out of that dress?"

"Maybe we should, you know, find some place that isn't public . . . ?"

"There's a hall closet on the second floor. Meet you there in ten minutes?"

"I think Aeris and Sephiroth are already in there."

Upstairs . . .

"Oh. Oh yeah. Hold on . . . "

"It's not going to fit . . . "

"Don't worry, Ancient. We did this before, didn't we?"

"Not there!"

"Straighten up and . . . how's that?"

"Oooh . . . perfect. Just hold it right there and . . . god damn . . . "

One of the cardinal rules of an AVALANCHE gathering. Never leave the rest of the party looking suspicious, as a certain cat robot is liable to follow you and make life as miserable for you as he can. And there he was, tape recorder in paw, crouched outside of the upstairs hall closet and grinning to himself. Aeris and Sephiroth would pay through the nose in Kitty Chow to keep this tape off the Internet.

Another rule, however, is that no matter what's going on, SOLDIER generals have very good hearing. And when one merely left the party to help his girlfriend fix a problem with her dress, they don't appreciate dirty-minded robots lurking around the hallway looking for blackmail material.

Cid Highwind, looking for the bathroom, stopped and listened. He thought he had heard a mechanical squeal and a couple of crunching noises- but then, he'd already drunk five Midgar Meteor Blasters, and his hand was starting to leave trails in the air when he waved it, so he couldn't be quite sure.

8:41 PM

"Right foot let's stomp- left foot let's stomp- cha-cha real smooth, yeah!"

"What the hell is a 'cha-cha?'" the hunched, black-robed figure muttered. Actually, what he said was "Seee-ffii-roooff!", but after five or six drinks it had become easier to understand him. Cloud hadn't actually invited clones one through fifteen to the party, but they'd turned up anyone. #7, being a bizarre mixture of human and fish, had taken over the job of answering the door for the trick-or-treaters; he (it?) got a kick out of scaring the local munchkins. (Tifa had wound up asking Tseng how the half-man-half-tuna had been created, and had only received the cryptic answer that Hojo shouldn't have been doing lab work during his lunch hour anyway.)

"No, no, like _this," _Aeris said, rearranging the clone's limbs. "See, it's like a shimmy, only with style. Roll the shoulders, work the hips- no, I don't think this dance was created for people with tentacles, but just go with it. Keep your knees bent- you want to be loose and flexible. That's it!"

"Seee-fi-roff!"

"Why, thank you! See, all you need is a little practice- you could be a real social butterfly if you tried."

"Se-ef?"

"Don't be silly. There's plenty of women that don't care about that!"

"E-ee-fir-off!"

"Well, maybe you'd better get to know them before showing _that _off . . . just follow your heart."

"See-efi?"

"No, I don't know which. You can follow _one _of them, anyway."

"You're wasting your time, Aeris," Sephiroth said casually, twisting the top off of a Green Mako beer. "Pokemon-boy over there isn't going anywhere out of the circus anytime soon. If you've got the urge to help someone, try number fourteen."

Aeris frowned. "I thought he hasn't got his bones back yet?"

"Yeah, but on the other hand, he's got a classy barrel. Maybe we can sell him as dishwashing liquid."

Vincent, who was in the corner recovering from his Yuffie-enforced stint with the Macarena, found himself wincing in sympathetic pain as the Cetra seized her lover by the ear and gave him a punitive yank. _Hell and damnation, those two, _he mused. _They've gotten beyond the stabbing-each-other-through-the-back point, but just barely. As Lucrecia would have said, Field for study there. The psychological ramifications of the Stockholm syndrome writ large-  
_

**"Psst!"**

_-in the form of formal mortal enemies bound in a circle of mutual destruction-_

**"Psst! Hey!"**

_-manifesting itself as a relationship based on argumentive behavior and- _"Huh?"

**"Hey! Monster man! Can you hear me?"**

"Yes," Vincent said cautiously, eyes scanning the room cautiously. As far as he could tell, nobody had spoken. Yuffie, for whom maturity had never been very much of an issue, was busily teaching one of the other Sephiroth clones the hokey-pokey, and everyone else was eating, drinking, laughing, and generally having a good time. Nobody seemed to have said anything-

**"Finally," **the odd rasping voice said. **"I've been shouting myself hoarse all evening, and nobody's paid any attention to me. If I'd known being dead was such a blasted bore, I wouldn't have ordered all those summary executions. I suppose I could have just put them to manual labor in Corel instead . . . "**

"Terribly sorry to interrupt your monologue, as enlightening as it is," Vincent broke in, acid dripping from every word. "But would you mind telling me who you are?"

There was a sigh from the unseen person. **"You jerks killed me, and you don't even remember me? That's thanks for you. I was your archenemy! All of you owe your fame and fortune to ****_me, _and you don't even have the courtesy to grant me a classy epitaph. 'Twisted but Brilliant, perhaps? Just a little politeness for the dead man, you know!"**

Vincent started. _"Rufus?"_

**"Bingo! Goddamn it, did Hojo remove your brain as well as your guts? No wonder you spent 30 years in the bloody basement."**

One red eye twitched ever so slightly. "Thin ice, Rufus. What do you want?"

**"Oh, right, what are you gonna do? Break my legs? If you can find 'em, Vampire Hunter V! Up yours! I'm DEAD! You can't touch me anymore! I can sit here and laugh my spectral ass off and you CAN'T GET ME! AAAAHAHAHAHA- ahem. Sorry. It's been a while.**

**"Anyway, since it's Halloween tonight, the immortal beings beyond the Lifestream have granted me the right to return for a single evening. Unless I use this night to fulfill my last, unfinished wishes in the mortal plane, I will never be allowed to cross over." **The rasping voice took on a sad, haunted tone. **"I must complete my task, Valentine, or I shall never know eternal rest. The burden of the dead, trapped between life and the final vale, you will never understand."**

Vincent cleared his throat meaningfully.

**"Not the same thing, buddy. YOU have a body."**

"A body inhabited by four psychotic demons who drink milk straight from the carton."

**"We all have our burdens to bear. And I'm afraid I'm gonna have to make it four psychotic demons and a dashingly handsome undead millionaire, Valentine, because I need a body to complete my task and you're the only convenient vessel. Prepare to be boarded."**

The dark man started backwards, hands half-raised in instinctive defense. "_What?"_

**"You heard me, Gothika. To gain eternal rest, I have to destroy AVALANCHE. And I'm going to use your body to do it. Have a nice day."**

There might have been more words, but Vincent Valentine never heard them. A whooshing sound filled the room, and a bright blue light exploded from somewhere in the vicinity of the drinks table as Rufus J. Shinra IV swept like a hurricane into the undead man's body. There was a strangled scream, and Vincent collapsed to the floor.

"Oh great Da-Chao- _Vinnie!" _Yuffie exclaimed, dropping #14's tentacles and rushing over to the couch. Vincent was writhing and twisting on the floor, wide red eyes staring sightlessly, fingers clawing at nothing. Aeris, alarmed by the commotion, came running almost as fast as the ninja. When she saw what it was, though, her face cleared considerably, and she smiled and placed a comforting hand on Yuffie's shoulder.

"Don't worry, Yuff. It'll be all right in a couple of minutes. Nobody panic!" she called to the others, who were beginning to gather around as well. Vincent was still twitching, and beginning to foam at the mouth as well. "It's nothing to worry about, guys. Just a bit of a spiritual invasion, I expect."

"A _what?" _Yuffie demanded, tears in her eyes. She was kneeling by Vincent, peering into the widened eyes and trying to calm him down. To her surprise, Aeris's grin widened, and she began to chuckle softly.

"Oh, just you wait. I suspect this is going to be very interesting . . . "

8:44 PM

"Damn, it's dark."

Rufus Shinra, after momentarily rejoicing in the fact that he had what felt like a solid body again, was rather less happy to find himself in a long, gloomy hallway, lit only by a sputtering candle in a tarnished brass bracket. Evidently, the inside of Vincent's head was as dolorous as the outside.

"Great." Rufus observed to nobody. "I suppose I'd better look for the . . . control center? Whatever is going to help me take over this body, anyway. It's kind of shadowy in here. Crap, when did I start talking to myself?"

Taking the candle out of the bracket, he started down the hall, gingerly picking his way over the creaking boards and dodging the occasional spiderweb. The place was not as empty and featureless as it first appeared; the corridor was lined with doors, of many different shapes and sizes. Most were locked tightly, and seemed unwilling to budge, and as unacquainted with manual labor as Rufus was, he wasn't about to try. But a few of the doors had labels, and the deceased stopped a few times to raise the candle and squint at the letters printed there.

"This way to the Right Brain. This way to the Left Brain. Id. Conscious. Subconscious. Emotional Development, Subdivision Sexua- never mind. Synapses. Traumas. Aha! Motor Control!"

The door labelled Motor Control was not only unlocked, it was halfway open. Warm, buttery firelight spilled out from under the cracked veneer of the portal, along with the sound of guttural laughter and the tinkling of glass. Summoning a generous portion of courage, Rufus pushed the door open.

There were four large creatures sitting around a table in the center of the room, apparently playing poker with an extraordinarily tattered deck of cards. The smaller purple creature was taking generous swigs from a bottle of Jack Daniels (which, being composed of the spirit of consumed liquors, refilled after every gulp) and occasionally belching fireballs. Another one, a lightning-laced Frankenstein, was staring with great intensity at five cards that were, relative to him, the size of his toenail clippings. Two more were swapping filthy jokes, laughing raucously and occasionally slapping down cards or flicking chips across the table.

"So then the one-legged jockey says-" the larger purple demon paused to consider his hand, rearranged two cards, and added two more chips to the pot "-_Don't worry about me, sister, I ride sidesaddle!"_

"That's _rrrg _bad," the hockey-masked creature retorted, clicking his stained brown teeth appreciatively. "I see your _rrrg _fifty, and raise you another twenty."

"I call."

"Hey, Gigas! Whaddaya _rrrrr_ got?"

The Frankenstein scratched one bolt contemplatively. "Nuttin'."

"Hey, moron, you've got a royal-" The smaller demon was immediately shut up by a venemous glare from Chaos and Hellmasker. "-royally fucked-up hand, man," he concluded, eyeing the King and Queen of Diamonds ruefully. "I show two pairs."

"I show _rrgh _four of a kind."

"I show an inside straight and a snivelling blonde wuss watching us."

At Chaos' comment, the other three monsters swung around. "Hey, I recognize you," the Galian Beast said after a moment, belching a cloud of fire and fixing the quaking Rufus with one glowing red eye. "You're the little putz with the dog, right? ChocoMog says you ran like a Mad Oscar in mating season when they were gonna kick your ass."

"I-" Rufus steeled himself and matched Galian Beast, glare for glare. "My name is Rufus Shinra, president of Shinra Electric Co. Is this Vincent Valentine's brain?"

"Yeh," Death Gigas grunted. "We're th' demons in th' head. Whut'ya want?"

The blonde man let his tone frost over as he addressed the monsters. "I will be temporarily taking control of this mortal body for the duration of the evening. All prior residents of this particular subconscious will not be disturbed; I merely need to borrow this weird bastard's limbs for a bit. Are there any objections?"

Chaos narrowed his eyes. "Who the hell do you think you are, monkey-boy? Think you can just waltz in here and tell the Lord of the Chaotic Abyss what you're gonna do? Valentine's _our _flesh puppet, Shinra. Go find your own."

"Yeah, we've got a _rrrg _schedule and everything," Hellmasker commented. "We might be _rrrrg _able to squeeze you in a _rrrrg _week from Thursday-"

"No." Rufus retorted. "Sorry, it has to be tonight."

"What, are the mortals going to do something you don't like?" the Galian Beast asked, now picking his fangs with one recurved claw.

"No. It's merely a scheduling conflict. Now if you'd step aside-"

"Wait a minute." Chaos interrupted. Light was dawning on the flat demonic face. "I get it, I get it! You're a poltergeist! You're only here for twenty-four hours or some shit, so you're going to hijack Valentine and complete your unfinished task. Well, not on _our _watch, pal. If you've got a problem, if you've got something to do before you've earned your eternal rest, fine. Not here. I'm up 3000 gil."

Rufus curled his lip. "What makes you think you can use that tone with me, creature? Do you honestly believe that you can intimidate me? Stop me? Death makes us all equal. You can no more hurt me than you can that wall there."

Chaos rolled his eyes. Then he shot out one clawed hand and carved a massive chunk out of the wall as easily as if he had been kneading dough.

There was an audible gulp.

8:47 PM

Just as Cloud was socketing the Heal materia into his sword, the twitching Vincent calmed down. The dark man stopped squirming, opened his eyes, and looked up confusedly at the large group of worried faces around him.

"Did I kill anybody?"

"Not today, Vinnie," Yuffie said, before proceeding to nearly throttle the undead man with a passionate embrace. Vincent, still marginally confused, submitted willingly enough, and was sprinting for second base before Aeris _ahem_ed loud enough to bring the pair back to reality. The Cetra's eyes were sparkling wickedly.

"Well, Vincent, how did Rufus handle it?"

Vincent quirked one eyebrow at her as he clambered to his feet, giving Yuffie a hand up as well. "You knew?"

"You think you're the only one who can hear the dead? I've been listening to him yowling all evening. I think he tried to possess me earlier today, but I was . . . um . . . taking a shower. And I had . . . " Aeris blushed bright red, fiddling with the end of her braid. "Company . . . "

Yuffie whistled. "Boy, love really _does _conquer all, huh?"

"That's not the half of it. He walked into my head, took one look around, and spent the next forty-five minutes wishing for a spiritual toilet to retch in."

Cloud, looking obviously relieved that nobody had been murdered (this time), broke in. "Well, it's a good thing that' settled. Anyone want another Midgar Meteor Blaster?"

"Cloud, what's _in _those things, anyway?"

"Trust me. You don't want to know."

9:17

Thanks to large amounts of Mako and Jenova cells permeating every inch of his body, a certain silver-haired villain was genetically incapable of getting stinking drunk. But there are many degrees of drunk other than stinking, and thanks to Tifa's rum-soaked canapes and a significant helping of Halloween candy, Sephiroth was jazzed and ready to party.

"Oh god," Tseng groaned. The Oriental man and his buxom blonde coworker had been enjoying some quality time on the couch (they were discussing hollow-tipped ammunition, you sick minds. Not _all _of this fic is gutter-centric!), and given that he was the only one of the group that hadn't consumed any alcohol, he'd been hoping to sneak away before the rest of them got this bad. No such luck.

The rest of the party looked up as a flourish of Latin beats swirled through the room, ceasing all conversations and drawing instant attention. Levitating several feet into the air, Sephiroth had grabbed the microphone of a certain tool of Evil and was proceeding to induce mass deja vu.

Yuffie, seizing the moment, decided to jump in. "The terror of the Cetra, y'all." She announced in a low voice, snitching Marlene's plastic pumpkin-headed flashlight and focusing it like a spotlight on the villain. Sephiroth responded with a sharklike grin, raised the microphone with a flourish, and began:

_He's into pointless flashbacks_

_Big swords and lots of angst_

Tifa groaned, visibly sweatdropping. "You've gotta be kidding . . . "

_Rides 'round in bright red hatchbacks_

_Finds scratches in clone tanks_

_He'll make you pound your head into the wall in such a rage_

_He'll walk right into pitfalls and get trapped in Yuffie's cage_

_Or on Gold Saucer's stage!_

"_That wasn't my idea!"_

"Cloud, put the lamp down . . . "

_Spike-haired, rather dim, he's livin' la vida Mako_

_Says his past is grim, livin' la vida Mako!_

_Shiva, Bahamut, got a magic stock-o_

_At North Crater's rim, livin' la vida Mako!_

"Cloud? CLOUD! I said put the lamp down, remember? That does _not _mean 'put the lamp down and socket the mastered Bahamut-ZERO.'"

Even over the music, the grinding of Cloud's teeth could be heard. "I'll get him, Tifa. This calls for retaliation."

"Is this going to be another night where the house gets destroyed?"

"With our mortgage? Nah. Fight fire with fire, Tif. Fire with fire."

The Holy Wars have begun again. Take cover.


End file.
